Thank You For Waiting
I did not know I was going to be this person at this point in my life. I wouldn’t be the person with a schedule consisting of a morning therapy session and choosing between attending my grief group or church later that evening. I chose the grief group and spent a couple of hours discussing loss and how it undoubtedly impacts other areas of your life. While headed home, I found myself on a packed metro car when You Waited by Travis Greene drifted into my ears. It was one of those moments where the music really spoke to me.
I don’t stand here claiming to be a perfect person, but I’m thankful someone perfect has me in their care. Earlier this year I decided to show up for God and move closer so I could better hear what He was saying. Some of the messages have been hazy while others have been crystal clear. The work He’s been doing in my life is a testament to what God can do with a stubborn bull. Even though I’ve shied away as He stood arms wide reminiscent of Jesus’ time on the cross, He waited.
A wise man once pondered over the future of a dream deferred. Though the Langston Hughes piece was written many years ago, it still rings true today. Life sometimes feels like a dream deferred if we can be real with each other in this moment. Sometimes you end that relationship and the dream of marriage seems deferred. Sometimes your money gets funny and that starter home seems deferred. Sometimes you get that diagnosis and that lifelong aspiration seems deferred. It’s hard to acknowledge, but sometimes we feel delayed and defeated because life showed up against us and not for us.
I’m still learning how what seems like deferment to me is sometimes God giving me a push. I’d by lying if I said in my lowest of lows that I never questioned God. It’s hard to understand how you can seemingly do so right for things to go horribly wrong. The reality is that so many of us live like this day-to-day. We move through life continuously shutting ourselves off from the second part of our story because the first half didn’t resonate with what we had drafted in our minds. God doesn’t work like that and neither does life.
It’s a few things that had to happen in my life to push me into this being I am today. It’s a few plot twists God had to write to help me understand a few character departures. It’s a few obstacles God had to place in my path so I could help someone else better navigate this road. Sometimes it wasn’t a deferment but a push because God knew it was no other way to Introduce you to the person you were created to be.
God pushed me into who I am today. The times where I felt my goals were deferred were the defining moments leading to the 28 year old I am today. This isn’t 18 year old Kamil who is thankful to be out of a high school she hates and into a place with new people. It’s not a 22 year old Kamil with big decisions to make as a graduate trying to figure out life. It’s not even the 27 year old Kamil who’d rather play it safe than risk a necessary loss. This new me is refined and better aligned with who I am called to be and not what the world tells me I need to be. I’m learning to be a more authentic person and invite in only those who celebrate my true self.
I’m thankful that God waited for this person. God loved me through all the Kamils I’ve known and pretended to be over the years. Even more so, He’s provided me the blueprint on how to love myself as I am. I’ve been peeling back my own rough exterior to find someone different. I found the person I was before I let people’s opinion get the best of me. I found the person I was before I was initiated into the “life can be cruel” club. I found the me that was in there all along and I’m still rooting for her to come completely into the sunshine.
The beauty of God is that even with all my mess I’m lugging around voluntarily, He still waits for me. He continues to pull me from that space so I can be reminded of a love that has stood the test of time. I’m reminded of how faithful His plan has been in my life and how it’s taken me so long to break down this barrier. Healing takes time and for me it’s been so much easier doing it with God versus on my own strength. He’s still waiting on you regardless of how long it’s been.