God Doesn't Blink
Disclaimer: This piece was written within the last two years and has been edited and revived for Aya's Diary.
I hope you don’t mind me being honest right now because this is probably my own rendition of “Dear God, it’s me Margaret”. Don’t be upset by what I’m about to say because I’m just speaking from my heart. Sometimes I feel God’s unwavering love for me in every corner of my life. I see Him in my friends, I hear Him in the laughter of others, I taste Him in local cuisine from a different continent, I touch Him in wounds that managed to heal, I smell Him after a morning rain in NC, and I feel Him when I’m able to lay my head down on soft pillows in my apartment located in the heart of D.C.
I literally have those days where He is all over but then I have days that feel very different. Days where I begin to count other people’s blessing instead of my own, moments when I start to tap on an invisible glass wondering where He may be hiding, times when I begin to wonder if in the midst of my life that He blinked and wasn’t there to throw me a life vest when it’s needed most.
I’m coming here as a fully believing Christian to say that even I have days where I question His higher power. At the lowest of my lows, I spent months assuming that I had forgotten to pray on the day my life flipped upside down. During my recovery, I had conversations with God and questioned why He had left me on earth. Actually, it wasn’t much of a conversation but more of me berating His choice and His current position in my life. I talked to Him when I was unable to find a job when I moved to the city but people with half the drive of me were having positions handed to them. It was unfair. Life was unfair. I wasn’t being dealt the hand I deserved…or was I?
I received news that seemed to barge in my life with the doors swung wide open as to loudly say, “I’m here”. I’ve literally composed a list at times of every reason God has not done right by me. So much so that I dedicated the past 30 minutes to pinpointing every place in my life where God didn’t show up and show out for me. After my inner whining quieted for 30 minutes, I sat…and prayed. I prayed for several things but most importantly, peace.
There are a few things that I can’t say for certain but one of those is that whatever you believe in most whether it’s God, Father Mother God, The Universe, The Higher Powers, or Allah will always use your pain for a purpose. Everything that I’ve been through in my life has ultimately shaped me to be the person that I am today. I can’t say that I would be nearly as carefree as I am if I hadn’t seen how swiftly death moves.
All of my struggles have been small intricate threads woven into my story of success.
Favor doesn’t always come wrapped in a pretty present with your name carefully written on the name tag. Favor doesn’t always greet you with a warm smile but sometimes with a sucker punch straight to the left cheek. Favor doesn’t always seem like what we want at the moment but is always needed. If there is one thing that I’ve learned in my short 27 years on earth is that life goes on. The time I spend pondering on things out of my control aren’t placed to the side for me to find on a better day. Those moments are gone and it’s only up to us to live right now as it’s given to us.