It was early 2011 and I was slowly entering into a deep fog. I was just now truly feeling the residual impact and survivor’s guilt of a fatal accident the year before. I should have been thankful to be here and getting back to my normal life. I'd be lying if I said my life felt normal even in the least bit.
It was a heavy burden living when you knew other people hadn’t been granted the chance. It was a daily task to really function and I was doing just enough to keep a smile on my face. I didn’t realize it but my lack of faith had started to manifest in other areas of my life. I spent most waking moments attempting to shake myself from the nightmare I was living.
I was so excited to leave my college town in 2012 to attend graduate school. I was eager to continue my education but I had really been plotting a way out. I was under the belief that a location change would help me shed the pain, guilt, and defeat I dragged around on a daily basis. I would distant myself from the the different factors I felt contributed to my isolation but I still wasn't able to hold myself accountable.
I had allowed one painful chapter of my life to become my entire story.
I fell victim to the why me narrative instead of acknowledging that it was me and establishing a game plan for what’s next. I had spent the past years going with the flow instead of going with God’s plan. Please note that I'm still stepping into this vision for my life on the daily. God’s plan wasn’t to harm me but to allow those moments to shape me into a better person. He was shaping me into a person who could testify to others that my journey hadn’t been smooth but it had been my own . He wanted people to look at my story and know that where He could have put a no where he put a yes and vice versa.
People often talk about dealing with the hand they’ve been given. That’s the game of life, you don’t always win but you keep playing. Though we don’t already know our cards; God laid out our deck many ages before. He knew the gambles we would make and the grace that would be offered when we should have lost it all. As soon as I realized that even my darkest of times were happening for me and not to me; my mindset switched. You have to be willing to bet on yourself but to most certainly double down with God. Match his effort and see a whole new meaning to "double for your trouble",
I had been treating my relationship with God like that of a sneaky blackjack dealer. Was He really on my side or was he hyping me up just to let me down? I decided to take the biggest risk of my life and bet it all on Him. All or nothing. Even with all my losses; I’ve been winning ever since.
You can’t erase segments of your life just because they aren’t as appealing as others . You can’t talk about the highs if you’re not willing to talk about the lows. People assume that God isn’t with you because of the tough situations you’ve faced. The tough times are actually more proof of His presence . Being able to talk about a past season is proof that the devil didn’t win. It’s a reminder that you fought , tooth and nail, to get where you are today.
At some point you have to decide if you will go with the flow or with God’ plan. You’ll make a choice to live your life in a way that attempts to honor His legacy or one that feeds your own wants and needs. You’d be surprised at how every part of your life has been rigged in your favor. Take the hand you’ve been dealt and play it to your advantage.